world champion

Controlling The World With One Button

So a co-worker of mine pointed out what he calls the "height of laziness" and what I call "one button snacking". Yes, we are talking about the microwave button labeled "popcorn". One bag, one button, one perfect snack. This sparked a quick conversation about this button, and among other things, why it hasn't caught on for anything else. He mentioned that it existed briefly for the potato, and then pointed out that it likely did not last due to the varying possible sizes of potato and thus the inability to properly calculate the appropriate cooking time and cooking power to associate with such a button. Microwave popcorn is fairly uniform in package size, cooking needs, etc...more on this in a moment.

Let me pause to say that right now I am truly embarrassed with myself for getting this wrapped up in such a discussion. But this must be brought out. So I continue.

The craziness surrounding this 1 square inch of microwave real estate continues. We thought about the popcorn industry and what came first - the popcorn or the popcorn button. Presumably the popcorn did, but with the advent of the popcorn button, has the popcorn industry now become a slave to the microwave industry? What if Orville Redenbacher sees a decline in the profit margin of microwave popcorn and decides that in order to save a million dollars next year, they need to cut package size by 5% and if they don't, they will go under. I'll tell you what happens, people using "the button" to cook Orville's popcorn are suddenly burning bag upon bag and pretty soon no one buys Orville Redenbacher anymore and the entire company goes under anyways.

All of this because someone thought that making a single button to cook a single item easier would make sense. Next time you push that popcorn button on your microwave, remember...you aren't just cooking a snack, you are controlling an industry.

Walking Contradiction

I know this flies in the face of my last post, and I don't care. This is my site and I will do what I want. When you come here, you play by my rules and you read what I write; contradiction or not. So don't waste my time pointing out that I spouted off about dieting last week and am now following it up with an endorsement for a pig out restaurant. Nobody cares.

So I am an regular viewer of the Phantom Gourmet every Sunday morning on UPN, and they always seem to talk about FireFlys in Marlboro as being one of the best BBQ places in the state. Over the past several years I had driven by it a lot, but had never eaten there. This past Saturday night we went for it, and I don't think I have eaten this much since I needed to be wheeled out of Minado in Natick (Which is one of the few restaurants that has actually left me in pain due to the sheer volume of food).

For the uninitiated, Firefly's is all meat. All barbeque. It is the kind of place where you need to hunt for the salad page, and macaroni and cheese qualifies as a vegetable. And if you order a salad, the entire wait staff comes out in a line and mocks you in song like some kind of retarded birthday ritual.

I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I went for the Chicken and Ribs combo for the low low price of $17.99. Going as anti-Atkins as possible on the sides, I went with mac and cheese, cornbread, and cheese-potatoes....I was going for it and not looking back. Obese-American-poster-boy-land, here I come.

It did take a while for the food to come out, which only made me hungrier which in turn only made me more satisfied with what I saw. The waitress came to the table with what looked like the results of a Texas barn fire. It was a heaping, grilled pile of meat sitting on top of the two starchiest sides I could find - the mac & cheese and the potatoes.

The next 30 minutes was a flurry of sauce, bones, wet naps, and the occasional breath. My girlfriend and I sat across from one another, but e didn't speak to one another for the entire dinner. It was sensory overload, and it is hard to talk with a 1/4 rack of ribs in your mouth. It was beautiful....it was painful.

If you haven't been, I recommend it. If you like BBQ and are looking for a pig out place for a decent price (a beer each and two huge entrees....$41) this is the place to go.

www.fireflysbbq.com

Atkins Is For Retards

If you are on Atkins, you are a retard. Or fat. Most likely both. Let's add lazy to the list too, because that is the real reason so many people go on Atkins; because constructing a healthy diet and exercising regularly is too much work. Anyone can lose weight if they develop some discipline and have some willpower and that's a fact. It is typical, fat American, style to cut corners and find some asshead diet of the day which allows us to pig out and artificially lose weight in grossly unhealthy amounts over the course of a few weeks. If we happen to develop heart disease as a result, well....so be it. At least we didn't have to strain ourselves working out.

I am not fat. I could be. But I'm not. I am not a work out freak or a diet nut. I don't pour over nutrition labels and freak out at the sight of a greasy meal. In fact, I am eating out of a big bag of chips right now. The difference between me an your fat ass, is that I won't eat the whole bag. I don't eat them every day, and I led up to the chips with some sushi and some soup, not two cheeseburgers and some fries. I subscribe to a diet philosophy that is based on moderation and light activity with a side of avoidance and smart decisions.

Let me elaborate.

Moderation: Have some chips, don't eat the whole bag. Have some ice cream, don't eat the whole pint. Sit around, just not every day. McDonalds is ok, just don't make it a routine.

Light Activity: You need to be active at least sometimes. I play soccer once a week, and it is 45 minutes of hard running and exercise. I know that sitting 9-6 every day and then going home every night to lay on the couch is bad. Pick an activity and do it at least once per week, it will make you feel good and goes such a long ways towards making you healthier.

Avoidance and Smart Decisions: Skip the fries, the donuts, the soda, etc. One thing I have done lately is to remove a small group of things from my diet that I know are bad for me. Here is a sample:

• No Donuts. Ever. Have a yogurt or fruit for breakfast.
  Avoid the soda. Get juice or something. Just as good and easy, way healthier.
  
• Skip the fries. "Want fries with that?" ---> "No"
  
• Tone down the coffee. Besides keeping you up and making you crap your pants each morning, coffee is awful for you. Have a tea or something lighter. And if you are just hooked on coffee like I am, slow up on the sugar and opt for the skim milk.
  

Again...I eat bad things, I don't workout like I should, but I am not getting fat either. Some simple diet changes and some smart choices can make a huge difference. Now go put your helmet back on and grab your Atkins book. The short bus is waiting outside.

The World According To Girls

I learned something about girls and directions this past weekend. Well, I shouldn't say I learned anything...because that would imply that I gained some sort of knowledge or insight that I didn't already posses. Let me put it like this. I didn't learn that girls suck at directions, I was just amazed at the degree to which they suck at directions and more specifically the way their minds work when it comes to processing directions.

We had a wedding to go to in Connecticut this weekend (we live about 25 miles west of Boston). It was a friend of my girlfriends, so I assumed that she had taken care of the details, such as how to get there and where it was, and as a result of this information, when we needed to leave. Mistake number one.

I was told we needed to leave at 2, which I didn't question until about 1:45 when it dawned on me that we are dealing with girl logic here (pardon the oxymoron). So I causally asked the simple questions that would be expected before you get in the car for a relatively long drive and here is how the conversation went.

Me: So is this in Southeastern or Southwestern Connecticut?
Her: I don't know, why?
Me: You dont know? Didn't you look?
Her: No, I know we need to go down 95
Me: How long will it take us to get there?
Her: I dont know, an hour?
Me: Well, how far is it?
Her: I don't know.

At this point I am beginning to get frustrated, but then it starts to get real good. Hang on, this is a direct look into the directional lobe of the female brain. It continues:

Her: Well it usually takes us about an hour to get to [friend's name] house.
Me: Ok, well where is it in relation to [friend's name] house?
Her: I don't know. Why are you giving me such a hard time?
Me: I am just trying to figure out how you arrived at 2pm as a leaving time.
Her: It usually takes an hour or so to get to [friend's name] house, it can't be that far from there. They are both in Connecticut.
Me: Are you kidding?

It continued on from there back and forth. Mostly her getting defensive and me trying to explain that you can't determine a driving time from point A to point B if you have no idea where point B is. And bringing point C in as a reference has no bearing still if you have no god damned idea where point B is.

To my amazement, when two of her friends showed up. I asked the same line of questioning. Same answers, almost verbatim. Incredible.

Long story short, it was 150 miles from point A to point B and nowhere near point C. Probably slightly less if I knew where point B was and could have made adjustments to the directions she had. I will continue to do more research on this, but bear with me if there is a long time between posts. I am probably in the car somewhere. Going the long way.

Thank God For Girls

Now this very quick post means no disrespect to my girlfriend (or previous girlfriends) as she take great care of me on many levels. In fact, this is props to her and other similar girls out there that take care of the things that guys like me will never do on their own.

As I look around my apartment, I notice very quickly that there are numerous things that make it a better place that I had nothing to do with picking out, purchasing, hanging up, thinking about, or doing. They are things like drapes, shower curtains, table cloths, fake plants, coasters, bathmats, nice towels, nice pillows, and other general knick knacks that I would never even think to buy -- but they make my life better.

When I first moved in to my apartment, I had an argument/discussion with the girl I was dating at the time over the need for a shower curtain. My opinion was that the shower curtain liner I found at Wal Mart for $3.99 was plenty barrier between the inside of my shower and the rest of the world. I didn't understand the need for a $25 second layer that seemed to do little more than make my bathroom slightly more attractive (to her). Long story short, after debating the point for a bit, I ended up with a floral print shower curtain (under protest) that she found and put up. In the end....it made things better.

The above incident was over 2 years ago, and last night I underwent my third shower curtain related upgrade and it is the best one yet. After the current girl bought me a new shower curtain this past Christmas, she went added a new clear liner to the mix recently, and what a difference. It is clear, it is clean, and wouldn't you know...it makes a huge difference in my shower experience. How do girls think of this stuff? Brilliant.

Money Maker Or Time Waster?

I have had a discussion about yard sales with my father on numerous occasions. My point is they are a giant waste of time, equivalent to moving things from garage/basement to yard and then back in the hopes of making $12.50 over an 8-10 hour period. If I really want to make $1.25 an hour for manual labor, I will go make shoes for Nike. I know the thought of haggling pennies over my old toy xylophone from 1982 does sound like a load of fun, but I will take the option of preserving my Saturday and just paying to have someone lug away my useless junk any day. Yard sales to me are a losing proposition every time.

That brings me to the mother of all yard sales, the flea market. I happen to live across the street from one so I get to check it out every now and again. Not necessarily to buy, but more to marvel at the garbage that is spread all over these 8 foot tables, and the people trying to sell it. Some actual items I noticed on my most recent trip were:

• A package of mens underwear
  
• A box of Rice-a-Roni
  
• A "set" of 7 billiard balls
  
• 3 8-bit Nintendo games
  
• A stack of random, non-collectible magazines
  

The best part? They were all on the same table. I mean, what possesses someone to load these things into the car at 7am, drive to Grafton, pay $25 for the table, and set up shop to sell this stuff? Even if they have the best possible sales day and sell ALL of it, the quick math tells you it is a loss. The items on the table don't even add up to the $25 it costs to rent the space! And who is buying back issues of family circle magazine??? If I want old, irrelevant magazines, I will steal them from my dentist. I just don't understand the mentality of these people...I don't think I ever will.